The last couple weeks have been amazing. I wish I was sharing my birth story today, but it will have to wait. Today I'm just writing. Writing because I'm a hot mess and can't get anything else done anyway.
Maybe it's the hormones.
Maybe it's the exhaustion.
Maybe it's the soreness, all the change my body has and is going through.
Maybe it's the colds we all got when the baby came home.
Maybe it's the bipolar weather.
Maybe it's the dishes. The laundry. The clutter.
Maybe it's the meals I should make.
Maybe it's the baby blues.
Maybe it's the pressure to meet everyone's needs.
Maybe it's knowing my older girls feel a little neglected and not being able to fix it.
Maybe it's the depressing posts on social media. Men raping infants. Rioters ripping people out of cars and beating them. Cities destroyed. The constant political fight between Americans. Covid.
Maybe it's all of it.
Does it matter?
Knowing the cause doesn't really make the emotions go away. (Although I should really stop with the social media for a while.)
The way I'm feeling definitely isn't for lack of blessings. The past few weeks have been full of them.
I've had tons of love and support. My parents came to stay. Friends and family checking in. Bringing meals. Bringing gifts. Sending love. Offering help. My husband and girls pulling extra weight. Being so patient with me.
And I've had way more good days (amazing, stare at my beautiful child all day and play with her hair days) than bad.
I guess what I'm saying is: Today just sucks. I'm emotional. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm sad for the world. I'm feeling inadequate. And I have no energy to find the purpose or bright side today, but that's OK.
Today can suck. The house can be a mess. The world can be a mess. I can be a mess.
I'm going to stop trying to be so damn productive. I'm going to cry, maybe take a bath, eat some Tillamook ice cream. Chocolate, of course. And I'm going to love on my baby and let my big girls watch their favorite movies all afternoon.
And tomorrow, well, tomorrow will come. And I'll let it be whatever mess it needs to be.
Hi! I'm Amy
I am a Christian wife and mother, a writer, and a recovering perfectionist who is tired of chasing happiness in all the wrong ways. I am now on a journey to find a deeper state of being. Join me on My Peace Project and we'll learn how to survive the chaos together!