Loving, Losing, and Lighting Fires

My heart has been heavy lately. I've been struggling with some people who I let into my life with open arms and open heart. And I got burned. Badly. 

I could write an entire book about these people. About how toxic they are. How well they hide it. How manipulative and deceiving. About every offense. Every lie. Every jab. And for every negative I could match it with a service or a kind thought or word, a good experience, a shared laugh. I could tell you how these people use their goodness as an excuse for their nastiness, a cloak to hide under. Jewels to place in their self-righteous and self-made crowns. How they are master arsonists, burning bridges and blaming others for the flames. 

But why? 

What good would it do? 

My heart will still be heavy. Because I opened it, and I got burned. 

It took a long time for me to see the truth. I didn't want to see anything but that pretty cloak and those sparkling jewels. I held desperately to the good. I defended them when others pointed out their faults. I wanted the good to outweigh the bad so so desperately. 

When I finally started to see, it hurt, it stung. Light poured in as the flames grew brighter and brighter until those jewels melted away and that cloak was a pile of ash. And then I could see it all. 

So I stepped away. Quietly, but definitely. 

And this time, I burned the bridge. Quietly. Intentionally. And I hold the lighter in my hand firmly. I will not frame them. I will not list their faults while striking matches. This is my fire. My choice. 

My heart is still heavy, the heat still burns and the smoke stings my eyes. But these are flames I welcome. These flames light the way to better paths, better people, better bridges. 

Perhaps I shouldn't have opened my heart. Perhaps I should have seen the truth sooner. Perhaps I should have been more careful so I wouldn't get burned. Perhaps.

But I did open my heart. I did get burned. I now know the truth. And I've learned to be more careful. 

Perhaps it was worth it. 

And I'll wave to my lost friends from across the scarred gap where the bridge once stood. I'll smile sweetly from my safety and wish them well. And then I'll begin mending and building better bridges. Stronger ones, lasting ones. 

​And somehow my heart is a little less heavy. 

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