Today I was determined to write. I've been wanting to work on this short story I'm contributing to my writing group, Word Addicts. I am so excited about this short. If I do it well, it may be one of the most important things I will have written to date.
If I can get it written.
I sat down to write last night and then someone got out of bed.
I sat down to write this morning and then the kids started fighting.
I sat down to write this afternoon and the baby started crying.
I sat down to write this evening and was so anxious about being interrupted that I just couldn't focus.
So here I am, leaking thoughts instead.
This is pretty normal for us moms, I think we expect to be interrupted constantly but knowing that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Our work follows us around with tiny footsteps and endless needs which makes working on anything else, especially ourselves and our own goals, feel impossible.
I'm so tempted to give up sometimes. I'm so tempted to say: "this isn't going to happen right now in your life. Your kids need you and that's all you can give. You're maxed out."
I'm so so tempted to raise the white flag and surrender my dreams to "someday."
But I won't.
Several years ago I was called to be the Young Woman's President in our ward. I would be in charge of this youth program of almost 40 young women with the help of several other amazing women. I was the youngest, least experienced, and most definitely the least qualified.
I was expressing my anxiety about this new responsibility to my mom and she gave me some advice that I clung to and still do. She said: "Amy, just show up. Some people don't even do that. Just show up and do your best and it will be enough."
I wasn't perfect, I made many many mistakes. But I continued to show up. And because I did, I was so so blessed!
I'm reminded today of that same advice: Just show up.
Especially through the years dealing with anxiety I've found that these two words, show up, are pretty powerful. They give me something to focus on, to calm the onslaught of worries and what ifs. Those can be dealt with when they arise, for now just SHOW UP.
This has helped me get to meetings, workout classes, social events, and more. And 98% of the time, once I get there, once I "just show up" I'm so grateful I did!
Now I can't claim to be perfect at following my own advice all of the time. I've missed meetings and workouts and social events a plenty. I've had too many days to count when I didn't show up for my family.
But most often, I don't show up for myself. All too often I show up for everyone else but me.
But with some grace, I try again.
So even if I'm interrupted endlessly, Even if it feels impossible to focus or accomplish anything other than keeping children alive, I'm going to keep showing up.
I'm going to show up for my family.
And I'm going to show up for myself. My dreams. My goals.
And with some grace, patience, and a whole lot of showing up I will get this story written!
Hi! I'm Amy
I am a Christian wife and mother, a writer, and a recovering perfectionist who is tired of chasing happiness in all the wrong ways. I am now on a journey to find a deeper state of being. Join me on My Peace Project and we'll learn how to survive the chaos together!