So, yesterday I shared this whole blog thing on Facebook. I was actually trying to be as non-nonchalant as possible, hoping no one would actually take the time to click the link, let alone read my posts.
Well, people did.
And some even liked it. Told me I am brave and talented and amazing... WHAT???!
That they have felt the same fear and anxiety and discouragement... WHAT????!
That they are here for me if I need anything, that they LOVE me.... WHAT???!
So today I am struggling through all the feels: Vulnerability. Gratitude. Awe. Love. Humility. Embarrassment. Shock. And a huge dose of WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??!
You see, depression or discouragement, anxiety, some may say the devil himself want you to feel ALONE. They want you to HIDE. They don't want you to share your story. Shame thrives on loneliness and fear.
IT IS SO MUCH EASIER FOR SHAME TO CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU DON"T MATTER WHEN THAT IS THE ONLY VOICE YOU CAN HEAR. THE ONLY VOICE YOU ALLOW IN YOUR LIFE.
I was super content with keeping this whole blog to myself, a safe space where I could create finished pieces of writing that help me process and understand and heal...move toward that Peace.
I made the mistake of telling my sister I finished an essay that I was very proud of and I wanted to do something with it. She begged to read it.
Shouldn't have said anything. I only wanted strangers to read this stuff.
Not people I knew. Not people I loved. Not people that would worry about me. Not my family. Not my friends. Not people in my community. Definitely not people that would pity me or judge me, misunderstand me.
I shared it with her anyway. All she had was love, all she ever has is love, she IS love.
So as I sit on my bed furiously typing this to keep from going crazy from my vulnerability hangover, (with a minor hour long interruption: finding my 2 year old covered in sunscreen from head to toe, not to mention the carpet, oh the carpet! It took about one whole fetching bottle of baby soap to get the greasy sunscreen off #momlife), my first response is to call my sister and tell her she was wrong. This was a bad idea. This is NOT helpful. This is NOT good. This is so FREAKING BAD.
Every response I receive from you amazing people is positive. It is all love. Why do I want to puke every time someone comments something kind and loving and empathetic??
Why is it so SCARY to be seen??
I'm terrified of judgement that isn't even REAL. Of pity I haven't seen or experienced. Why am I making it all up? BECAUSE SHAME WANTS TO BE THE ONLY VOICE IN MY HEAD. IT WANTS ME TO BE ALONE.
So now I am seen. And I'll continue to be open to being seen until shame has no place in my life, until I believe that I am brave and talented and amazing and worthy of love.
Thank you all for being beautiful voices in my life!
Hi! I'm Amy
I am a Christian wife and mother, a writer, and a recovering perfectionist who is tired of chasing happiness in all the wrong ways. I am now on a journey to find a deeper state of being. Join me on My Peace Project and we'll learn how to survive the chaos together!